Here is what I think about men and babies. If you can’t handle what happens to a woman’s body when she grows a human being inside of it and then pushes it out of her vagina, you don’t get to have any babies.

That’s pretty much it.

Mila Kunis said in an interview with Marie Claire that she won’t let Ashton Kutcher see what happens to her “vag” when she gives birth. Specifically, it’s her “shredded” “vag” she doesn’t want him to see.

Two people are allowed in my delivery room. My doctor and my significant other. And he is staying above the action. He’ll be head to head. Not head to vag. Unless he wants to risk his life and see. But I wouldn’t if I were him. I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded. Because it will be shredded. It’s just a matter of how badly.

Now, I understand what’s behind this. I, also, have no real desire to watch a baby come out of a woman’s vagina. I realize women have been doing this since, like, forever, but it still feels insane to me. That human is way bigger than your vagina.

But here’s the other thing. Most men don’t seem to “get” pregnancy or reproduction. They want kids — whatever they think that means — but for so many men, the idea of “having a family” is just that — an idea, not a reality.

I remember asking my ex if having kids was something that was important to him. “Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe I’d like to have a couple of rugrats to toss the ball around with,” he said.

This is Britney Spears' kid, in case that isn't obvious.

This is Britney Spears’ kid, in case that isn’t obvious.

It was hard to continue the conversation at this point because my head caught on fire and exploded and there was blood and singed pieces of brain everywhere and it was totally gross you guys, but I think I said something like “HMMM MMMM that’s exactly what having a baby is like; you just, like, throw the ball around a bit with some kid just like on teevee.” (Also, “rugrats”??? Stopppppppppp. No, stop.)

I think I also said something like “How about if you want a baby, you grow a uterus and rip your vagina up to your asshole pushing it out, k deal?”

Since men are not the ones birthing babies and have, historically, not been the ones who have to spend the majority of their lives caring for and raising said babies, “having a family” has an entirely different meaning for them. “Yeah, I’d like to have kids at some point,” can come out of their mouths like it’s this casual thing. “Sure, that could be fun.”

The fantasy of what it means, in real life, to have kids (not saying I know, first-hand, because my only baby is a puppy and I hear it’s not exactly the same thing) extends to the body. The complaints from men about their wives’ vaginas being less tight, about the weight-gain, sagging breasts or stretched-out stomachs that can come with giving birth seem a particularly violent kick in the face after having gone through something no man will ever understand and, from what I hear, can be a pretty unpleasant (even dangerous).

To Mila Kunis I say: Make Ashton Kutcher look at your shredded vag! Make him deal with the reality of childbirth and the toll it takes on women’s bodies. Don’t contribute to the male delusion that a woman can pop out a couple of kids, easy-peasy, and still feel and look and act the same. Actually, make all boys watch childbirth videos in sex ed. Make them all look at Mila Kunis’ “shredded vag.” That seems like a real sex education, yeah? Oh, right and then make men responsible for actually raising their kids. Maybe then “having a family” won’t seem like just a convenient way to start a tiny baseball team.